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Back To Dating: Rebuilding Confidence and Loving Yourself. By April Kirkwood.

Friends and family are going to be commenting, ”She's brimming with confidence!”

The death of a relationship, even the ones self-initiated, can make even the most self-assured slip and slide into the dark belly of low self-worth. It’s as though the end of love fuels the ego into full drive even if that means zooming off a cliff. Revenge becomes the force that propels rising each morning with a thirst for evening the score. In truth, these fear based decisions only lead to more chaos and confusion reinforcing the very self-destructive emotions that this painful experience has infiltrating the aura with negativity.

The shock after a fresh break up unnerves the senses so that doing nothing is often the best option. Emotions of sadness, regrets, and guilt cause a natural knee jerk reaction igniting a manic desire to rush out and get back all we believe has been lost. Impulsive one night stands, random dating, and risky behaviours become a disastrous pattern corrupting other facets of life as well. It can be a crash and burn moment if left to its own devices.

During initial grieving, it is also wise to withhold actually driving by their house, slashing their tires, or creating a false Facebook page to stalk them. Self-inflicting more pain is nonproductive poisoning the process of recovery. Posting photos of you with others is also not advised. Fuelling jealously never works in the long run. One night stands or sleeping with someone your ex know shows your weakness not your strength. Now is the time to publicly ghost out.

Affirmation: I am above this. I am classy and intelligent. So it is!

Counselor’s Tip: Impulsive acts rarely produce long lasting satisfaction.

So what is left to do? There is indeed much to accomplish within yourself and you are on your way without even realizing it. Continue your journey by finding a safe space to mourn privately without stressful deadlines or public demonstrations of your worst possible self. Silence is golden and it is in quietness when time can be a soft blanket shielding and comforting so this grief can be done at your own pace in your own way.

Research states that any relationship over three months if considered serious and more than an affair. So no one has a right to push or judge to rush before you’re ready. Detox from anyone that wants to diminish the voice of your heart. The heart has much to share if we can move past the fear of what lies beneath. Usually pain and sorrow are not strangers and has been met with bravery before but fear is a thief and wants to rob us of our power. It is now where tenderness and unconditional positive regard are recommended for emotional introspection. Unless you are a narcissist, mourning is a perfectly normal response to loss.

Affirmation: I give myself permission to feel sad without guilt. So it is.

Counselor’s Tip: What goes in, must come out. Negative experiences need to be reviewed and released for good mental health.

Free will greets you at the next cross road setting the scene for your tomorrows by the road you choose today. Although it is beneficial to review the past, focussing too long on the disasters and blows is a futile waste of energy. Going over obsessive questions night after night asking yourself, “Why did he cheat? What did I do? Is there a chance to make it work?” opens the door for ‘bitterness’ to sneak in distorting your outlook on love and yourself. Step back and logically look at the big picture asking yourself, “Is this actually a tragedy or is it more like a chapter of a wonderful tale of your ability to stand strong and persevere?” It is said that a queen rules her kingdom while a princess whines and it is at this juncture that you can choose which you are.

As a queen, choose in each moment to reframe this heartbreak with a positive twist. Think of all of the great things you experienced from this relationship no matter how it ended. Did you visit exotic places? Explore new activities? Perhaps there are fond memories of a vacation to new a place you had never been before? Or maybe you actually became a more sensitive lover? Love offers us new eyes and it is a crime against yourself to shut off all of these benefits just because it didn’t quite end the way you had hoped. Keep in your being all of the precious memories this person brought into your life. You are more enlightened and wiser because of what you’ve been through. Take that knowledge with you as you move forwards. Seriously, didn’t loving them give you a lot? And let’s remember, you are a queen worth adoration and respect in your own right. Stand in glory for all you are and have been through.

Mantra: I remember the love and am grateful for this experience. So it is.

Counselor’s Tip: No relationship is a waste of time. There is much to learn from others on the adventure of life through both the laughter and the tears.

Cleansing the past without hatred lightens your being which automatically draws the right people and situations into your world. This is achieved by working with the trinity of your magnificent self which consists of the body, mind, and spirit. Awareness of every aspect of yourself is vital to move through the dark night of the soul. Soon, and yes it will happen, one morning quite out of the blue, you will almost surprisingly find yourself to be ‘OK’ with a new invigorating kind of vibe. Your step will be quicker, your smile genuine, and you’ll find yourself humming your favorite song. It is as though the butterfly is out of the cocoon. There is a natural a deep understanding of who you are and what you are here to accomplish. Working with your trinity heals the past and manifests within a wakefulness more aware than ever before.

How to assist trinity in your transformation:

The body shouts messages all of the time. Listen to what the odd sensations are have to say. Does a particular person make you body feel Un easy, queasy, uncomfortable? Do you feel warm and comfortable with another? Do headaches mean it’s time to visit your optometrist or is it negativity from your surroundings?

Be mindful to nurture the body with respect. It is there to assist your journey so you can do your work. Find exercises that you enjoy. Discover the best sleep pattern for your optimal energy, and select foods that agree with your digestion.

Your mind is constantly balancing choices and deciphering signals from both here and beyond, present and past, physical and spiritual. If your mental alarm sounds go off, pause. Dismissing warnings as a coincidence sets you off the path of your highest growth. When the mind is waving its horn, pay attention. The mind filters and processes giving you options as free will gives you power to choose. Follow the mind’s lead to arrive at the conclusion that feels best. Assertiveness is a trait of confidence. Step out in confidence.

Continually challenge the mind exercising and experimenting with new interests. Take up new hobbies. If thoughts show up unexpected, invite them in for a chat and see what they have to share.

Find a spiritual base that resonates within. What is a soul? Where did it come from? Why are you here at this time in history? What are you here to accomplish? Think of a soul like a golden thread connected to source. In sleep, the soul travels and does healing while the body and mind renews itself. The trinity is your highest source of information. It is God’s presence within. It is love.

Mantra: I acknowledge and allow the trinity of my being to nourish and inspire me. So it is.

Counselor’s Tip: When one aspect of you changes, the others kick into gear for your greatest benefit. It is the goal of humans not just to survive but to thrive and create.

So how do you get confidence back before diving into dating? Elegantly, slowly, wisely, boldly, courageously fuelled by the passion that you know your worth and you are grateful for all experiences, even the ones that didn’t turn out the way you expected. Make this a conscious way of life. Now it is time to date. Just wait to see what you attract. This is going to be fun! Happy new and improved YOU.

Mantra: I am one. I know just what to do. So it is.

Counselor’s Tip: Know that you are not a helpless victim. You attract what you are to learn lessons about yourself. There are no mistakes in the universe.

Guest blog by April Kirkwood - you can connect with April at

April Kirkwood, M.Ed., LPC

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